You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
