im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Can Purell be used as lube?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
