Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize