Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Your penis caused this!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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