Joe is yelling at the trees again.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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