I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
