Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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