I think my fart just growled at me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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