i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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