I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
