i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
is wine microwaveable?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize