i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize