that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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