We won't sleep together?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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