I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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