Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
