the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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