I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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