question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Randomize
