I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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