Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
