yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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