LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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