I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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