2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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