Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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