If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
