all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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