I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
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