so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
