I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
