I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
