You don't have asthma, your pregnant
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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