The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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