Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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