He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
