I got chris browned last night
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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