Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
