I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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