I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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