You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize