She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
