i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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