I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
