I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize