I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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