it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
