why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
