booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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