So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Randomize
