The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
