The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
