Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
