I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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