you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
