i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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