Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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