I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize