i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
