dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
