i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
