In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
