i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
